Perhaps a Tin-Foil Hat Shall I Don...

The world will end in approximately 5.34 days. Or thereabouts.

Like this, only bigger

That’s according to one Robert Fitzpatrick, an Irish-American resident of Staten Island in the state of New York in the American United States. He says so in a book entitled, “The Doomsday Code”, in which we learn the world will end May 21, 2011. Well, technically Judgement Day is happening May 21 (the actual end of earth’s existence won’t happen until October 21, 2011), but if you’ve read the Bible, you know Judgement Day will be short on sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. Plenty of dearth and destruction, though.

Now, like you, my first reaction was, “Okay, Mr. Robert Fitzpatrick, let me just buy some “doomsday” insurance to go in my “bomb shelter.” I need to make my “Armageddon” grocery list so I don’t starve during the “rapture.”

But then I noticed something almost imperceptible to the human eye: a shuttle launch. Specifically, the launch of one Shuttle Endeavour, scheduled for departure from one John F. Kennedy Space Center located on one Cape Canaveral Florida. And that got the conspiracy wheels in my voluminous noggin turning, churning and, overall, burning.

What if this is our Spark of Life (keep reading)?

What if....

What if....

What if...let me finish...there was more to the shuttle launch than a mere “let’s take supplies to that derelict of a space station fighting tons of space junk for Earth-orbit superiority?”

What if...still was actually a mission to save mankind (or its lesser parts, “mank” and “ind”)?

(Note: It is here I don my titular tin-foil hat, manufactured to protect my brain matter from harmful rays of ________ kind)

Plugging your ears has been proven in nine out of ten patients to prevent bad news from coming

No, seriously.* What if NASA is working for a topper-than-top secret coalition of major world powers who have known about the planet’s impending and imminent demise, and are using the Shuttle Endeavour as the means to ensure the continuity of our glorious species and its floral/faunal underlings?

Apparently we didn't save the whales.

What if the astronauts are really the best genetic specimens humanity has to offer at this pivotal point in time, whose primary mission is three-fold: to find a suitable replacement planet on which to start anew; to seed said replacement planet, seeds...and animals; and to replicate**.

The future of our species (we had to buy an extra-large spacesuit for him)

I’d bet my entire collection of Star Wars Lego sets*** that what NASA’s press monkeys say is “supplies for the space station” is actually a collection of vials filled with animal DNA and plant seeds, along with major icons of human culture and civilization, to include but not limited to:

  • da Vinci’s Mona Lisa
  • Van Gogh’s Starry Night
  • the original sheet music to Mozart’s Reqiuem
  • an LP recording of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony
  • a Stradivarius violin
  • an original printing of the Gutenberg Bible
  • a copy of the U.S. Constitution and Declaration of Independence
  • the Magna Carta
  • Luther’s 95 theses
  • the Beach Boys Greatest Hits
  • a collection of Bill Cosby stand-up routines
  • all seasons of Charles in Charge
  • a full collection of unopened New Kids on the Block dolls
  • Saturday Night Live Season 6 on VHS
  • the complete film works of Keanu Reeves on blu-ray
  • LP featuring original recordings of Ray Stevens singing “Ahab, the Arab” on one side, and Alan Sherman singing “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah” on the other side
This is our new Rachmaninoff

The shuttle so innocuously named Endeavour could in fact be our ark. Our space ark, so to speak. Our "spark," as one might say. Our "Spark of Life," you could infer.****
Folks, this could be our Deep Impact moment.

Any minute now Morgan Freeman (playing the part of Barack Obama) could hijack our airwaves to tell us our last minute attempts to blow up the Wolf-Beiderman asteroid failed all because Bruce Willis took too much time reminiscing about Liv Tyler.

This man could kindle hope in a turkey on the fourth Thursday in November. Or the Chicago Cubs.

Right now Roland Emmerich could be coming up with his next screenplay, only this one will be streamed live. A LIVE SCREENPLAY! It’s that desperate, people.

In conclusion, I have a pint of Ben and Jerry’s I have on my schedule to be consumed May 22, 201. I plan to keep that date. But what if Robert Q. Fitzpatrick, Esquire, is right? What if?

Just sayin’.

I plan on second-basing it with this sexy thing

*Not serious at all
**Term originating from the Greek word for “do it”*****
***Not a binding wager
****"Spark of Life" is a registered trademark; use for commercial, personal, ecumenical, sociological, comical, conical or spacial reasons is strictly prohibited.
*****Naysayers and Johnny Non-Believers will question this part of my theory, saying the astronauts on Endeavour are all male, an oversight no one would make considering the gravity of the situation. I posit, however, that the movie Jurassic Park is to be taken at face value when it taught us, “Life will find a way.” I just feel bad for the guy-stronauts who have to become females for the sake of special continuity.


Peeser said…
Um. Hilarious.

Seriously, I needed to laugh like this today! Loved it!

I especially love your list of the shuttle supplies intended to preserve the best of human culture (and apparently the best of human idiocy as well... :)

Enjoy your Ben and Jerry's while you still can- preferably with your aluminum cap on. It may be somewhat ironic that even as I was reading this, I was just finishing off the new BnJ salty-sweet delight known as Late Night Snack... (Fudge-covered potato chips- who knew? Apparently Ben and Jerry both knew!)
Let me know how the amazing-sounding Carrot Cake ice cream is so I can try it before the end of the world.

Thanks for so many great moments of laughter!
Brilliantly funny, my son. On all accounts. But, is that photo of the muscle man REAL?!?!?!?!?!?

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