Starch Cotton- Closest Thing I've Got to a Nemesis

A certain gentleman, whom we'll call (for sake of anonymity) "Starch Cotton," has now crossed my paths twice, and both times left something much less than a favorable impression. I call him the closest thing I have to a nemesis, because, in general, I feel I'm capable of letting things roll like water off the proverbial duck's back. I don't really hold grudges or harbor ill will. But Mr. Starch (nice super-villain name) has angered me twice now, making that the closest thing- his Joker to my Batman, if you will.

Episode One of our saga goes a-way back to the summer of 2007. Yes, that's but a few months ago, but it's a better story if it sounds like Mr. Starch and I have a long history. We don't, but it's for dramatic effect.

Anyway, I was assigned by my news editor, one Kent Collins of the journalism school, to investigate claims of MU faculty abandoning ship. Four top administrators were leaving, all announced within six months of each other. I'm aware, as Mr. Starch would later inform me, that attrition happens at colleges all over, but that quickly?

So I talked to one professor, who stated (and he's well-versed in the subject) that this exodus is a cause for concern. Then I infiltrated the lair of Mr. Starch's superiors, who promptly had their major domo, ol' Starchy, tell me that there was nothing to worry about. This didn't bother me. What really irked me is that 1) Mr. Starch's answers in an on cam interview were so rehearsed, so wooden, they were total crap and essentially uninteresting, and 2) he proceeded to tell me how to approach the story. He told me what angle I should take, what facts to include, heck, he all but tried to write the story for me!

I later learned that Starch was also trained in the journalistic arts, hence his placement as the PR lapdog for the University system.

Well, I showed him, by reporting to the public that there was some cause for concern, or at least curiosity- this was no Israel leaving Egypt, by any means, but, in the words of a Simpsons side character, there were "doins' a-transpirin'.

This concludes the first exciting installment of me versus the diabolical Mr. Starch Cotton. Tune in next time!

Which happens to be right now, only above this post. Scroll up. Now. Stop laughing and do it.


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