Bye Bye, Love...Bye, Bye, Happiness...

It is with great solemnity and sadness that I announce the end...of snack cake paradise.
With the most fortitude I can muster, I am endeavoring to control the pastry/creme filling/chocolate glaze covering intake so as to better maintain my ever-fluctuating wast-line.
Little Debbie has, for a long time, been my secret lover, the provider of so many wonderful treats, sparing no amount of shortening, modified corn starch, or high fructose corn syrup. She was the Countess of Calorie Counts, somehow able to cram 330 calories, 15 grams of fat, and 47 grams of carbs into light, fluffy Zebra Cakes.

Sure, I've flirted with the famous Hostess and Ms. Dolly Madison herself, but neither lady could provide the same enjoyment for the same price (though Zingers certainly made a run for the title).

This is a war of casualties, and it is with deep sorrow that I announce...that other sweet delights have suffered the fate of becoming the attrition in this fight for freedom from fatness:

Cookies- ever so faithful and delicious, milk will never be the same without these baked beauties, full of chocolate chips, or cinnamon, or whatever nut tickles your fancy. Now we must bid Chips a fond Adieu, tell the Ore-s to -Go, and hope that the Nutters can find a better Butter life.
Candy- Sadly sharing the name of so many cheap stage dancers, candy has provided so much unrequited therapy to countless millions (though, by definition, can "millions" actually be "countless"?). M&Ms, in particular, are nigh unto perfect, since each little candy-coated capsule presents a complete candy-snacking experience. No partially-eaten bar of chocolate, nougat and caramel to tempt one further; simply eat the red, blue, yellow, green, orange, or brown chocolate disc, and you're free to continue or cease as you please. Alas, stopping is another matter altogether.

Donuts- the ambrosia of choice for the great poet Homer (Simpson). Donuts, with their wondrous variety of glazes, fillings, and sprinkles (excluding, sadly, Snickers bars and Twizzlers), are the lazy man's breakfast, and that's why truckers, construction workers, and office bums crave them so- ecstasy without the work or time.

Yea, even soda (or "gassies," as you might translate the Russian word) must be buried with the snack world weapons of war. I must slake my thirsts on simple water, though thankfully some respite comes in the form of Aquafina flavor splash flavored water, by far the best one on the market.

But hark, there is good news- once a day, only once, am I allowed to delve into the depths of dilectible delights; but like Indiana Jones on the Last Crusade, I must choose wisely- more than one sweet indulgence, and I face the tender wrath of the sweetest thing in my life, a being sweeter than all the sugar cane fields in the entire Caribbean, who shall be my pillar of strength as I face the buffeting winds of bakeries and their beckon beacons.
To the Journey!!!


Beautifully written - you should submit it to somewhere. I feel your pain. But, being celiac eliminates most of your temptations. I guess you don't want to have that affliction. So, good luck. Glad you can have one treat a day. That is a realistic approach.

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